Identifying At Risk Youth

People always want to help the children. In fact, most really shitty government programs and policies, zero tolerance policies for example, are marketed as protecting the children and if you don’t support them you hate children. I am all for helping the children, so I am going to try to get a government grant for my revolutionary new youth program.

I am sure the government sponsored youth program market is quite saturated. With programs from Head Start to Youth Challenge it can be hard to find a niche. See despite the overabundance of programs, most at risk youth don’t know about these programs, or even know that they are at risk. My program focuses on identifying these at risk youths that may not know there are programs available to help them, and making sure at risk kids know they are at risk.

The program is simple, I will open kiosks in Walmart, Target, K-Mart, and CC’s Pizza and observe the customers for signs of at riskiness. The criteria for determining the level of riskiness at which the youth is are pretty straight forward. I will sit in my newly opened kiosk and if I see that three hundred pound woman in public in a moo moo and house slippers, if she has kids, they are at risk. That 90 pound woman in torn jeans, scratching her face like she has fleas with the teeth that look like she brushes with a Milky Way bar, her kids are at risk too. These kids, you guessed it, at risk! If these people have kids…who am I kidding? Of course they will, and they will be at risk.

The next step after identifying these at risk youth, is to council them and their parents. I would call these people to my kiosk, and explain to the kids and parents that they are at risk. It’s all about awareness. At risk youth awareness is essential in avoiding all the ickiness related to at risk youthiness. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I feel like I have bugs crawling on me after close contact with at risk youthiness. I am making a sacrifice for the community at large by making personal contact with these undesirables.

I am still undecided as to how to make the public aware of the at riskiness of these youths. I was thinking of branding their forehead with ARY, or maybe cutting scars into their mouth or nose like the Native Americans used to do. I am open to suggestions.